Interview with Dr. Kirk Meighoo

Today I am speaking with Dr. Kirk Meighoo, former lecturer in the Department of Behavioural Sciences at the St. Augustine campus of the University of the West Indies and current leader of the Democratic National Assembly (DNA). Dr. Meighoo will be contesting the Chaguanas East constituency this 2007 election under the banner of the UNC-A.

Editor’s Note: Dr. Meighoo was kind enough to give Trini Fake News this rather indepth interview espousing his true feelings and beliefs. The interview is rather long but we at Trini Fake News feel it is our duty to report in full Dr. Meighoo’s views.

Note: The answers of Dr. Meighoo are from an actual email allegedly written by Dr. Meighoo. We rearranged the text. This explanation is for those of you out there who don’t understand humour. We’re looking at you Emily Fernandes.

RC: What is your role and the role of the DNA in this election?

KM: The first priority we must have is change in the country. We have to think: how can we realistically achieve it? By bowing out and letting the PNM have full control? I think not.

This is like playing poker. We need to be pulling cards that no one can even think of. We need aces up our sleeves. Five aces, even. And we need to bluff. With a straight face. And face people down right to the end.

If people can predict our moves, or we paint ourselves into a corner, then we are bad players and have lost already. We have to be unpredictable. And badass.

RC: Are you saying that cheating and lyng are the standards for your party?

KM: The point is HOW DO WE EFFECT CHANGE? I firmly believe that we need to get in there and do it ourselves. And I don’t want to give the PNM a free hand in the next Parliament. We must do whatever it takes to get into the Parliament because it is only from within it can we effect any enduring change. We must be prepared to do ANYTHING to effect change especially talking to the party most likely to win, which is the PNM.

If we act as purists (which we are not, since we have already spoken to UNC elements), then we are really like the public perception of Tapia, and are destined to be a failed third party in the country. I do not want us to make the mistakes Tapia made. And the main mistake was a fear to engage with real politics, as opposed to nice, idealistic talk only. It is like the Opposition in 1971 who boycotted the elections in protest against the PNM, with great principles. What they did, however, was effectively give the PNM control of all 36 seats in Parliament, from which the party consolidated its control after it lost all credibility during Black Power. Is that what we want to do? Hand the PNM victory on a platter, even when it has lost all credibility?

RC: Would you consider a union with the PNM instead of the UNC-A?

KM: If we have been talking to elements within the UNC, I don’t see why we can’t also talk to elements in the PNM. They are both disgusting. I hate talking to the UNC as much as I hate talking to the PNM. But I have been doing it, because I want us to effect change. If people think we won’t do ANYTHING to effect change in this country, then they can screw us around like Dookeran has been doing for the past few months. And NO CHANGE will occur, believe me. They need to be scared of us, scared of losing our support, and fearful that we have the capability to hurt them.

I am not necessarily saying that we should join the PNM. However, what I am saying is that we should never let anybody be able to predict our next move. We have to scare people into thinking that we have many many unknown things up our sleeves. We cannot be only interested in theoretical change, but actual change. That means we have to be political players, or else we are just a useless pressure group, and that is not what we are about.

RC: What would be your terms for forming a union with the PNM?

KM: What might be proper terms? For example: they endorse our desire for change (without necessarily agreeing with every detail), we are given a certain number of seats, do not lose our identity, and we are in control of at least one thing: I think it should be Reform of the State and Governance, out of the Prime Minister’s office. I don’t think this will work, but it will be extremely interesting to stir things up. It will throw everybody off. And we will need to be firm. And be ready to withdraw if our terms are not met.

RC: Do you really think the PNM would be willing to form a union with the DNA?

KM: The PNM realises our value more than the UNC. The UNC are uncultured barbarians. If they did Vision 2020, for example, they would never invite me to be Vice Chair on a group. The UNC would pack it with political friends and supporters, of the lowest quality to boot. When the UNC were in power, they only respected people with money, and bulldog lawyers. Or fanatic supporters with no intellectual quality whatsoever (just like the PNM). The UNC has no respect for thinking and for ideas. Manning is a total ass, yes, but the PNM is bigger than Manning. They have a headquarters, they keep records, they keep speeches and archives, they have real meetings with various opinions, there are internal groups with autonomy, they are really a national party in that they contest every seat in every election, by-election, local government election, THA election, and so forth. Nobody else does that in the country. When I was doing my Ph.D. research, the PNM were far more useful and helpful to me than the UNC, because there are people in there in important party positions who know the value of these things, even if they themselves might not be particularly bright. They have been around for 50 years, and know what is needed to survive.

RC: Who do you prefer to form a union with, the UNC-A or the PNM?

KM: If we really want to lead the whole country, then we have to deal with the PNM. We have to be able to win over some of them and their supporters. We have to work with them and their supporters in the public service, in the Parliament if we want to bring about constitutional amendments and constitutional reform. And we have to work with them on sympathetic terms if we want to build our country. Because like it or not, up to this point in our history, this is PNM country. And if we don’t understand that then we do not have a proper understanding of the task to which we have set ourselves. This is what we need to undo. And we can’t do it by sitting on the sides, being checkmated by real politicians.

RC: What are your views on the UNC-A, the party you are contesting a seat for in this election?

KM: The UNC also represents everything wrong with our country: insularity, lack of vision, parochialism, ethnocentrism, vaille-que-vaille mode of operating, selective enforcement of rules, deception and dishonesty, corruption, no thought about wider responsibilities, and no national feeling. The UNC are no better than the PNM, as they are showed with their scandalous eviction of Dookeran. Ramesh and Panday cooked this up behind the scenes. For all their bad qualities, the PNM would not operate like that.

Interview with Imam Yasin Abu Bakr

Today is the birthday of Imam Yasin Abu Bakr. In celebration of this day, Trini Fake News Jihad correspondent Hijrah Uthman Ibn Abi Talib al-Siddiq sat down earlier this week for an indepth interview with a man who claims to be the most misunderstood and hated man in Trinidad and Tobago – Imam Yasin Abu Bakr.

HUIATAS: I must offer you birthday greetings before we start.
IYAB: Thank you very much. I have been getting greetings from all over the world but it is indeed a pleasure to receive one from a Trinidadian. Those have been rare in the past couple years.
HUIATAS: Which international figures have been contacting you?
IYAB: Well, there is Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi, Mr. Russel M. Defraitas and Abdel Kadir to name a few.
HUIATAS: That’s interesting. How old will you be on your next birthday?
IYAB: I’ll be 66. That’s a ripe old age for an ex-police officer like myself. Most officers don’t live to be this age you know. These are dangerous times I am sad to say.
HUIATAS: You mention that you were once a police officer, what made you decide to leave the force?
IYAB: The force is too much of an evil place for a man such as myself. The sort of activities that go on in there are just abominable. I left the force and needed to recleanse myself, both physically and mentally. I went to Canada then and met with some muslims there. That was when Lennox Philip was reborn as a new man. That man is the one you see before you today. I am cleansed of the porcine filth that stained me while in the police force.
HUIATAS: How do you plan on celebrating your birthday?
IYAB: I’ll spend it with my family. I am a very family oriented man. I always try to bring all the young boys and girls from the nearby community to my home so that they may be protected from infidels and stray dogs on the streets of Mucurapo. I am going to also drive around and do some community service, such as collecting zakaat, on that day. I also want to spend some time with each of my four wives.
HUIATAS: Well I hope you don’t get in any trouble with the zakaat like last time.
IYAB: [growing angered] The politicians in this country are trying to use me as a scapegoat for all their wrong doings. I am a peacful man. Never have I hurt or cause hurt to come on anyone since I have been Yasin Abu Bakr. As a police officer I did horrible things. But, let Allah judge me for that. Patrick Manning, Basdeo Panday and Ramesh Lawrence Maharaj feel they can send their henchmen to do their dirty work. Muhammed will see to them. They shall be gutted like the filthy dogs that they are. They shall be dragged through the streets like the infidels that they are. INFIDELS…SWINES…DOGS… in the name of Allah the merciful, the compasionate.
HUIATAS:Okay… well that’s the end of our interview Imam Yasin Abu Bakr. I hope you have an enjoyable birthday. Good luck with the ‘community service’. Also, good luck with the gutting and draging stuff.
IYAB: It has been a pleasure. Peace be unto you.

Interview with Larry Achong

Outgoing Point Fortin MP Larry Achong is on the brink of another Tourette’s outburst. Our buxom reporter Ms. Raphaela Cleavage sat down for a ‘bosom-to-bosom’ discussion with Mr. Achong.

RC: Mr. Achong, let’s get the important stuff out of the way first.
LA: Okay, sounds good.
RC: What do you think of my breasts?
LA: [pauses with a confused look] Er… They’re nice.
RC: Okay, let us talk about the disturbing scene outside Balisier House on Tuesday. Your supporters rallied support, as supporters are known to do, around yourself, Eddie Hart and Fitzgerald Hinds. Considering that the PNM has a widely perceived adherence to discipline, at least on party business, what do you think is the reason for this?
LA: The people support both me and Eddie Hart. I don’t think anyone was there to support Fitzgerald Hinds. [giggles a bit but regains composure quickly] Why we have reached this point? I can’t say. Speak to the big man about that one.
RC: I assume you mean the Prime Minister when you say ‘big man’.
LA: That’s right.

RC: You are a ‘big boy’ in the party, why can’t you answer?
LA: I was never a big boy. I have a big face but sadly that is not enough to be part of the big boys club.
RC: Okay, the face part is true but I’m still in disagreement about the big boy part.
LA: [in a whisper] fuck you.
RC: Okay, let’s talk about why you are not running for the Point Fortin seat.
LA: It’s not that I’m not running for it. It’s just that someone else happens to be running for the PNM. There’s a slight difference but important none the less.
RC: I’m not sure what you mean by that. But I’ll accept that.
LA: [mumbles] It’s a fact.
RC: All right, why is someone else running for the Point Fortin seat?
LA: I’m clueless. I don’t have any facts. But I’ll make an uninformed judgment on this. I’m a maverick if you will in the party. I don’t toe the party line like they want us to. I resigned once before, my wife sued the Prime Minister. That’s maverick stuff right there. I never support the PNM or PM blindly. No, my support is based on my own feelings. Except for the smelter thing. I was hoping I could make some money on that one. But, it’s my maverickness that they don’t like.

RC: Do you think Mr. Manning is a vindictive person?
LA: Well, that’s what I’m saying aren’t I? Mr. Manning lacks a certain quality I call maverickness. He does not like people who display this thing. He’s jealous of my maverickness. Hence, he’s vindictive. QED.
RC: No argument on that one.
LA: But, let me add, I don’t like to speak ill of others. Let no one say that foul words ever departed these dulcet lips.
RC: Could not the public say that your position be one of sour grapes?
LA: [Rocking back and smacking his forehead with his palms] I have dulcet lips. Where does anything about sourness come in here? Ms. Cleavage, please. Next question.
RC: How long have you been a political colleague of Mr. Manning.
LA: At least 21 years.
RC: Do you have a personal relationship?
LA: No. It’s strictly a boss-employee type of thing. I’m straight.
RC: No I meant do you consider him a friend?
LA: Right. No I don’t consider him a friend. I’ve never called him Patrick. Always, sir or Mr. Manning. I’m very polite as you may know. I used to call him big boss, but he gave me a cut eye look once so I stopped doing that when he’s within earshot. My maverickness prevents me from stopping completely though.

RC: Did he tell you why you weren’t, I mean, why someone else was running for the Point Fortin seat?
LA: He said it was the Chatham incident.
RC: You mean the cussing incident.
LA: No. I mean the Chatham incident where I was wrongly accused of uttering non-dulcet words. Anyway, that was a misunderstanding. I was saying ‘Luck to you’ to a young lady who was sitting a little distance from me. She was trying to make a statement but was having a difficult time getting to the microphone. I am a sweet man.
RC: Is that really true?
LA: Yes, I am sweet. Ask Marlene… But, it was a long time ago. I can’t remember all the details but most of it is true or near enough to be considered some kind of truth. Anyway, who does not cuss? That’s a two hundred dollar fine. I get off anyway, but why they appeal the same day? That is the true injustice here. People focus on the wrong issues. That is why the PNM could get away with all the things they are doing. They not stupid. Is the public that does forget. It’s the public that stupid.
RC: I see you have no intention of running for public office again.
LA: You not listening? The public does forget. You think anybody reading this would remember I call them chupidee tomorrow?
RC: Point taken.
[Mr. Achong shifts nervously in his chair while he crushes a cigarette in his right hand.]
RC: What’s your prediction on the November 5 election?
LA: I predict I won’t be the Point Fortin MP after November 5th. I also predict that Mr. Manning will not be the big man anymore.
RC: Any closing comments?
LA: Yeah, there’s something I once heard a great American politician say. It’s guided me in my moments of weakness and I’d like to pass it on to Mr. Manning. “Go fuck yourself”.

At this point Mr. Achong seemed to become even more agitated. I learned later that he suffers with Tourette like outbursts. Not a shocker but I’m glad I ended the interview when I did.